Solace
by Elenielwen
Summary: She watched his retreating back as he left the village in a mix of white and red. Her hands clenched the wooden bow. It seemed like no matter what choices she had made and would make, she would always be left behind, forced to experience this pain over and over again. Then she started spending time with Him and Kagome realized that there may yet be a chance for happiness for her...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hello guys! Let's start with saying that his is the first time since 2007 I am devoting myself to write fan fiction. This is going to be a ****_Sesshoumaru x Kagome_**** fic, so all of you who don't like this pairing, you have been warned ;)**

**I always try to stick to canon, but every fanfic writer knows that canon isn't always so easily depicted.. (And seeing how Kagome is 18 in this fic, some alterations to her personality has been done that I feel would fit one who has had her experiences) Therefore I appreciate ALL the help I can get by your lovely reviews!**

**(I work as an English editor for a Japanese company, but English isn't my native language so I'm NOT perfect. If the fic has a lot of errors, tell me, but please try to be gentle when pointing them out.. I work my butt of as an editor, and am very far along in my pregnancy, so I'm doing my best to manage getting the time to edit my own texts as well ;D )**

**This fic was inspired by the Sess/Kag doujinshi "Rain drops". I am NOT trying to plagiarize anything, that doujinshi is merely the source of my inspiration ;) **

**So go ahead and read it, it's free, AWESOME and INCREDIBLY well drawn! **

**Link:**** art/Raindrops-01-Cover-15629317 (Starting with the usual : / / w w w . but without the space in between ;) )**

**DISCLAIMER****: I do NOT own Inuyasha, or any of the characters from the manga or anime. I do NOT own ANY of the events that have happened in the manga or anime! ALL of "Inuyasha" belong to Rumiko Takahashi!**

**Rating:****M**

**Warnings:**** May contain lemon. May contain gore. May contain sensitive issues. Contains angst and foul language.**

**You have been warned!**

**Ugh. Longest author note EVER, let's not do that again, shall we? ;)**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

Prologue

Long midnight tresses blew quietly in a slightly chilly wind. The autumn had just begun, the ground hardening and losing its vibrant colors, as it begun to change as it prepared itself for the oncoming winter. The trees' leaves had already gone yellow and orange, falling in heaps to the ground. The birds were quiet for once, too busy building nests to have the time to sing beautifully. The forest was peacefully silent as another gush of air ruffled everything around it, leaving behind a blur of leaves on the ground.

A lone figure stood below humongous tree, a pair of outstretched hands shaking a bit in the autumn cold. The figure was a girl in her prime years, already turning eighteen and in doing so, turning into an adult. Said girl wore her traditional bright white and red miko garment, a stark contrast to the dying colors of the environment. The long sleeves of the miko's outfit flapped in the wind as the girl kept staring at the huge tree in front of her with her hands still stretched out towards its massive trunk.

Goshinboku, the tree that always had been and always would be. The tree which symbolized so much... The tree where everything had begun, and not yet ended.

The girl knew that the tree would remain even five hundred years from the time she was currently residing in. It was a spiritual tree, said to have been granted eternal life. It was a tree that held so many memories, both good and bad.

The girl looked lost in thought as the tree in front of her slightly croaked just before a raindrop hit her rosy cheek.

Blinking, as if woken up from a trance, brown eyes looked up, taking notice of the way the clouds had been gathering above. The blue sky was covered, the morning sun long gone, replaced by a gloomy gray mass of clouds.

The miko had been standing there for a long time.

"Inuyasha..." She slowly spoke, and looked down at her palms.

Flexing her hands, the miko couldn't help but notice how calloused they had become from all the manual labor, and practice with the bow.

Had it really been that long ago the two of them had met here? Had it really been that long ago that her body and mind had begun its journey towards maturity? Had it really... been that long ago that her once rival in love, and in some ways enemy, had passed on to leave the main role of a miko to her?

Had she really been here in the sengoku jidai for... three years?

Sometimes... the miko felt very old. She had seen so much, and been through so much.. It was hard to stay the cheery and hard-headed girl she had been upon arriving in the feudal era of Japan. Back then, she had been somewhat naive, and trusting. It had taken her so little time to fall in love, and so long to get over it. In fact... was she even over it?

It is said the first love... is the hardest to lose.

Had she really lost it? Or just... not realized it was a one-sided feeling doomed to end in tragedy?

Thinking back on old times and old feelings, a terrible longing made itself known.

With a pain laced exhale, the miko looked up at the skies again.

Had it been the right choice to stay? To never see her parents or little brother again? To never experience love, marriage and children in an era where women had rights, and men did not run around wielding gigantic swords and love dead priestesses? Had she made the right choice to remain in the sengoku jidai, where danger lurked around every corner, and a miko's duty was to purify youkai and heal injured people? Was that really the life she had pictured herself living when she had grown up? A life without love, without children where duty ruled her every day schedule?

Maybe she had never been a girl with high hopes... but even the hopes she had once harbored had been destroyed. The jewel may be gone, and with it, her greatest enemy and burden.. But where had that left her?

Slightly turning her head, the girl looked towards the village in the distance with hooded eyes. Biting her lower lip, she blinked as her brown eyes begun to tear up.

"Inuyasha..." the midnight haired girl whispered.

Just as uttered that single word, the rain started to fall so heavily it created a curtain of grey around the lone girl.

Barely noticing the cold, the reincarnated miko stood there not moving as the fabric of the kimono quickly became soaked.

Kagome did not mind the rain. In fact, it reflected her mood so well, all she could feel was a pleasant numbness slowly setting in.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n ****Back! Thank you so much all of you who have "Favorited" Solace, and pressed "follow"! :D :D It made my heart race in happiness! :D Thanks to all of you awesome guys out there, my inner muse hit me like a sledgehammer! So without further delay, here's another chapter for you to enjoy!**

**Solace**

**Chapter 1**

Kagome had no perspective on how long she stood there in the pouring rain, her mind literally drowning in memories.

The miko's body had become pleasantly numbed by the coldness of the autumn winds and rain, making the internal pain seem far away.

Maybe she was hiding. Maybe she was not.

But one thing she did know...

She was not ready to head back to the village just yet.

Kagome had subconsciously known from the start that wishing upon the jewel might make the well close. It had been a consequence she had been forced to accept if it happened, since it had been her duty as the miko of the Shikon no tama to assemble it again, and make an unselfish wish so it would never again claim any more innocent lives.

But Kagome never wanted that duty thrust upon her. She was a modern 20th century girl, who had only arrived here more or less by accident. What did she know of magic, curses and demons?

Apart from what she had learned _after _arriving in the sengoku jidai, that was.

She had always been diligent and loyal in helping her friends out, and therefore loyal in retrieving the shards and assembling the jewel. But it had not been a sense of duty, or acceptance of herself as the miko of the Shikon no tama that had driven her to never give up on the jewel's cause.

No, it had been guilt which had driven Kagome to always keep going.

After all, it had been _she_ who made the jewel shatter, and thus it would be _she_ who would have countless of innocent lives on her shoulders if she failed. That if anything, was enough to keep anyone going.

It felt like it was ages long ago she had first arrived in the sengoku jidai.

It was not by surprise Kagome strongly felt like if she could have turned back time, she would. Then she'd tell that naive fifteen year old girl to make different choices.

Granted, she was _not_ regretting _everything_ she had said or done... only the events that had led her to shattering the jewel, and falling in love with Inuyasha.

Kagome had never been a selfish person, and thus she had never even thought about forcing her love upon him. She had walked in on Inuyasha kissing Kikyo, and that had been something she had never stopped agonizing over. So perhaps she had nagged him about it every now and then, but she had never put him in a spot where he had been forced to choose between the two mikos. What her heart desired, and what she actually did, had many times been the complete opposite.

Yet that was just who she was.

And as everything else about the Shikon no tama, and her fighting with the Inuyasha gang, Kagome had been forced to accept everything as it was, knowing that every time the hanyou had left the "Inuyasha gang" to seek Kikyo out, she would feel as if her heart was splitting in two.

Kagome did not have the option to give up, and neither did she want to, so she had quietly bore the heart ache.

Despite her eternal wish for him to have chosen her instead of the dead priestess, Kagome knew at the same time that no one could help their feelings. That included the hanyou.

Besides she also knew that long ago, Inuyasha had promised Kikyo to protect her, and remain by her side. If there was anything she deeply loved about the hanyou, then it was the fact that he always tried to live up to his promises.

He was in that way, honorable and Kagome had been brought up to be honorable herself. As much as the modern 20th century upheld that honor, that is.

However... it is said that the last thing that leaves the human heart... is hope.

Somewhere at the back of her mind she had never stopped hoping that Inuyasha would choose her in the end, no matter what happened in the past or present. He had kissed her twice after all, hadn't he...?

But the day Kikyo died, her heart shattered once again, this time for good.

Inuyasha was never the same again and his small affections towards her slowly disappeared until all there was left was a some sort of awkward-like friendship between the two.


	3. Chapter 3

**Solace**

**Chapter 2**

Kagome was brusquely woken up from her reminiscence by a protective flare of her reiki. The power sizzled out of her body as Kagome's rain-muddled brain reacted slowly to the situation. Her miko instincts broke through the haze that currently was her mind, and she bent down to pick up the bow automatically.

With a fumbling movement she then tried to fasten an arrow upon the bowstring, but the wooden object kept slipping through her shaking hands and falling onto the ground again.

The world was a bit blurry as she forced herself to remain standing while stubbornly picking the slippery arrow up again and again.

With a bite of her lower lip, Kagome blinked away the heavy mist in front of her eyes, her brain barely registering that a huge youkai aura was moving towards her.. and it was moving too fast for her to comprehend.

Staring at the arrow she had finally been able to fasten upon the string, a part of her hoped the Taiya or anyone else of her friends were close by because Kagome knew she was in no position to truly defend herself right now. Especially not against something so huge it literally made her dizzy.

But she would not give up. The village depended on her.

At her own feeling of inadequacy and instinctual fear in front of such a huge amount of youki, her reiki almost went haywire, starting to swirl in the air like pink tentacles. The energy seeped out of her by using the reiki, causing Kagome to quickly blink away the mist that once more was forming in front of her eyes.

"_Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on your target, Kagome" _her mind whispered.

She nodded at that. She would need everything she could get right now because whatever speeding towards her could easily end her life. In this weakened state, the long years of practising and honing her skills as a miko would mean nothing. She hoped the youkai would make just as much mistakes in this heavy rain and cold as she knew she would. The ground was slippery, the air was cold and it was literally pouring down. Hopefully those elements would work in her favour.

Just as Kagome shook her head to clear away a wave of dizziness, the ground started trembling. Unsteadily she almost lost balance from the force of it. With sheer willpower she held on to the bow, trying to keep its aim true.

Her heart hammered in her chest as she blinked to keep focusing.

So, her assumption that the youkai approaching was not just huge in youki, but in body too, had been correct.

"_Always trust in your miko instincs when sensing the youkai" _She heard Kaede's voice echo in her mind.

Yes. She would NOT go down without a fight. It was her own fault that she had gone to the Goshinboku tree to think and be by herself, no one else's, and so no one else should have to suffer for it. If she did not kill this youkai racing towards her, then it would most likely wreak havoc upon the village and that meant that many could be injured or killed.

Once more, she hoped her opponent would make mistakes, or that her arrow would just fly that fast and true to its target. At least the youkai of the sengoku jidai did not have the powers of the Shikon no Tama anymore, or she would have been definitely screwed.

All of a sudden she remembered Inuyasha's face as she went from the village. They had argued, as they always seemed to do.. and she had left.

Kagome clutched the bow even harder, blinking away large rain drops that made it into her already wet eyes.

No, she would NOT rely on him and she would NOT cry.

Inuyasha was not hers to rely on.

Maybe he never had been.

Somehow, Kagome knew the time of naivety was gone. But that did not stop the pain that came with losing one's first love. Inuyasha was, and always had been, a good friend in his own way.. but one could only lean on one's friends for so long... and one could only harbour an unrequited love for so long without intentionally or unintentionally moving on.

Some day... maybe today? Would mark the beginning of something new... at least that was the instinctual feeling that swirled in her body.

She just hoped she'd survive the ordeal to find out just what that "new beginning" meant.

The wind blowing harshly in the trees woke her up from her thoughts. The large canopies shook copious amounts of water down upon her already drenched state as she struggled to keep a firm grip on the bow. Her fingers had turned blue, but she stubbornly waited for the huge youkai to appear.

She refused to acknowledge that her legs had gone numb as she steadied herself, letting the reiki create a protective bubble around herself.

At least despite her weakened state, she had some tricks up her sleeve should the youkai attack head on.

Then the ground trembled furiously, along with a loud howl that echoed around her just before the foliage and branches split apart in a burst of youki.

Her fear reached new heights in that instant, but to Kagome's surprise, it was not a giant Oni or dragon youkai that burst forth.

It was lord Sesshoumaru.

She blinked in surprise and her reiki automatically lowered, as did her death like grip on the arrow.

The huge inu lord stood in front of her in all of his youkai glory. Long wet fur hung down like a curtain along his muscled body, and the majestic tail was held high as he studied her with a sharp predatory gaze. The ruby-red eyes studying her stood out like two twin orbs of blood against the wet yet crystalline white fur.

In his big maw hung a deer, the life already gone from the creature's eyes. The crescent moon on the inu's forehead looked like a beacon of purple, telling everyone in the vicinity of his royal lineage.

Elegant yet muscled paws dug into the ground, and the wet grass sizzled from a small amount of poison seeping from the claws. With a tilt of the massive head, the youkai lord of the west sniffed the air.

Kagome could not help but feel her jaw go slack at the aura he emanated. The youki was so great, it was tangible in the air, almost like she could reach out and touch it with her hands.

To her.. Sesshoumaru had always been the very epitome of youkai perfection. Protective, ridiculously strong, yet not merciless, Sesshoumaru had represented everything Kagome thought an honourable lord or youkai should be.

Not that she had always thought so, but she had come to think differently as time went by and she had gotten to see more nuances from the youkai lord, besides his ferocious side.

Kagome instinctively let the reiki disappear, and lowered her head deferentially while letting the bow slip onto the ground in a sign of peace.

Despite the answering growl that emanated from the gigantic dog's mouth as he bit harder into the deer's lifeless flesh, she did not feel threatened for some reason.

She and lord Sesshoumaru may not be friends, not even know one another, but during the battle with Naraku and even the time when she and Rin had been captured, he had proven he was not interested in taking her life. In fact, he had saved her both times, and acted more honourably than she ever thought possible for someone born and raised in the sengoku era.

Kagome had come to learn that a man of his calibre, or youkai male of his calibre to be more precise, would not kill if not provoked.

Maybe it had taken her some time to realize that fact seeing how the two of them first had started off, but when she did, she had started to view him as a deep-down good person, and an even better guardian.

All of a sudden the huge inu took a step towards her, once more causing the ground to shake.

She got no more time to think.

"Lord... Sesshoumaru.." was all that left her lips as her body slumped and fell into unconsciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Solace**

**Chapter 4**

Waking up was a most unpleasant experience. Kagome felt as if someone had hit her head with a sledgehammer and clogged her nose and airways with a piece of cloth.

Coughing, she blinked to focus her vision, and was immediately met with the caring eyes of Kaede, the old miko of the village.

"Ah, good day child. It's quite the cold ye have there, here, drink this" Kaede spoke softly and Kagome took a sip of the offered wooden cup.

Unbeknownst of the taste, Kagome swallowed a large gulp of the greenish goop. Then she immediately regretted her decision and started coughing violently while gagging at the same time. The liquid tasted like... like...something the cat barfed up!

A stifled huff from the side had her realizing it was not just her and the old miko in the hut. At least the vile tasting stuff had not made its way out again.

"...Keh! Finally you decide to wake up!" came a loud voice from her left the next second.

_Inuyasha. _

She should have known.

The fact that he was there had her defensively pulling the covers further up. Kagome opened her mouth to reply, but all that came out was a hoarse croak. The pain that followed had her lungs constricting painfully, and her wheezing to get air.

Kaede immediately offered more of that foul-tasting concoction. It soothed the pain, but her lungs still felt as if someone had run them over with a car. Though, any pain relief was better than none at this point.

Thinking back on all she knew of modern medicine, Kagome supposed she had caught pneumonia.

Just her luck.

She knew the sengoku jidai didn't have modern medicine such as antibiotics or real coughing medicine yet. The thought alone was enough for Kagome to want to groan at her own stupidity for having stood for so long out in the rain. She should have known it was a bad idea to get seriously ill in an era without modern medicine or hospitals.

Swallowing more foul-tasting liquid, she prayed that rest and... whatever the gooey stuff was, would be enough to cure her of the pneumonia. From what she had read about it in school, said disease had claimed countless of lives before antibiotics were invented and used.

And what she wouldn't give for some coughing medicine and fever reducers..

No, she could not think like that. She needed to get well.

Coming back to the now, Kagome found that the old miko was watching her intently and she could feel Inuyasha doing so as well. His glare was beginning to almost make her side itch from its intensity.

Kagome growled in annoyance as Inuyasha went on and on about how irresponsible she had been to have run off in the rain and gotten herself ill.

"_As if I haven't already noticed standing in the rain is a stupid idea.."_

"Inuyasha!" Came Kaede's stern voice, " that's enough rantin'! Keep ye voice down!"

"No Kaede-baba, I'm not gonna shut up! That wench, " Inuyasha pointed at Kagome's fever flushed face, "ran off in the rain, got herself a stupid illness and then returned with that... that arrogant death-dealing human-hating half-brother of mine!"

Kagome winced in pain at the loudly spoken words, and the old miko immediately had her drinking some more of the concoction. The taste was lost on her this time, and it was a pleasant change. Any more of that vile taste and she might have thrown up for real.

Where were antibiotics when you needed them?

"Ye fought, did ye not? And that "arrogant half-brother" of yours returned Kagome safe and sound, did he not?" Kaede only calmly answered as Inuyasha huffed in reply.

"Keh! Bastard probably only did it to stroke his own ego! He hates humans, Kaede-baba! Wench's lucky she's still alive!"

The old miko changed the wet cloth on Kagome's forehead, and she was thankful for the coldness that spread from the piece of cloth that was put there.

"Ye, she's lucky she's still alive, and had ye brother hated humans he would not have brought a deer to the village" Kaede answered with that firm sense of logic Kagome had come to love the old miko for.

"Keh! I could have done that too!"

The old miko sighed and shook her head in exasperation.

"Then why didn't ye, Inuyasha? Food has been scarce, has it not?"

There was only a "keh" and a huff, but no real answer. Kagome did not know why Sesshoumaru had decided to help them out, but she was pretty sure it had something to do with him refusing to let his ward starve.

Kagome's head was pounding too badly for her to turn it around and glare at the childishly behaving hanyou, so she settled for croaking out an "osuwari!" instead. The following bang had her wincing in pain, but at least it gave her the satisfaction of knowing she had silenced his antics. Sometimes she just wanted to sit him down to hell.

This was one of those times.

"...mmph for wench?!" came the muffled reply from the floor, as she heard him scramble up onto his feet rather ungracefully for being half youkai.

Kagome swallowed the urge to vent her building annoyance. She could not afford wasting energy on quarreling with Inuyasha. She needed to save as much energy as she could to get well.

But remembering Inuyasha's rude words, Kagome felt a surge of anger flashing through her mind.

How could he come here blaming lord Sesshoumaru for returning her, then call her wench and yell about this whole situation being her fault? HE had been the one to forget Shippou's birthday and Rin's name's day because HE had spent all that time pining at Kikyo's grave. THAT had not been HER choice! The only reason for her outrage causing her to dash off in the rain was because of his maddening sense of self righteousness.

Of course not, it was NEVER his fault, was it? Inuyasha was so good at that, not taking responsibility for his actions and always blaming someone or something else. Kagome had a very hard time not forgetting his "missteps", because they were very frequent. Always had been.

In the beginning, she had blamed it on his inexperience in life and social situations. But as time went on, he should have matured, should he not?

Kagome had of course defended the kitsune the previous day when looked at Inuyasha with completely downtrodden face as the hanyou came back that evening. Inuyasha SHOULD be mature enough to start making decisions that put people around him first by now! They had been friends, team mates and comrades for three years and counting for kami's sake! And Shippou was an innocent, he was just a young kitsune, a child basically! One should understand then that things such as birthdays or the like meant a lot to young people!

It drove her mad when Inuyasha did thoughtless things around her friends, but it made her furious when a child or children got caught in those things.

So why call lord Sesshoumaru arrogant, when HE, Inuyasha, was the one who usually were the one to act egoistically? For kami's sake, Inuyasha did NOT have the right to call anyone arrogant or egoistic!

At least said lord always turned up at every event related to his ward, and always brought a gift when he did. Not that the stoic youkai of the west ever stayed for long during his so-called "visits", but at least Sesshoumaru NEVER failed to show up at the important events in Rin's life.

Rin counted on him.

Shippou had no one to count on besides her.. and Inuyasha had once more not been there on the kitsune's birthday. It made her both furious and disappointed at the same time.

"_Maybe Inuyasha's air headedness along with his childishness is to be expected.. and maybe I was expecting too much when I thought he would choose his friends' over his dead lover, or act in a mature way that put others first. Or.. would-have-been lover who is now definitely dead and buried... Ugh.." _

No, Kagome scolded herself at the memory of Kikyo's funeral, she needed to stop pondering on such things. It would just make her even more upset, and right now she needed that strength to focus on getting well.

Kagome knew pneumonia was not to be trifled with.. especially not in an era where they didn't have antibiotics. She would need all the strength she could get to make it through without modern medicine. So time to stop all this reminiscence and thought analysing!

_"Kagome! Time to stop thinking and go back to sleep!"_

Kagome wanted to say something to Inuyasha before embracing sleep... but nothing came to mind. She had already said everything she could back then when they had argued. She had poured her heart out, and he had defended himself.

As usual.

She sighed once more and felt her eyelashes droop. Though as usual, "stop thinking too much" was easier said than done, and especially when it came to injustices.

And speaking of injustices, Inuyasha had always chosen Kikyo or himself over her and everyone else... hadn't he?

It was one thing if she, Kagome, was the one to suffer those consequences, but when others got caught up in said consequences... It_ became_ her business, and so she couldn't stand idly by and just let it happen. The reasons may vary as to WHY she fought and stood up for her her friends, but she would NEVER stop doing so.

Laying on the medieval futon with a massive headache and burning lungs, Kagome wondered what in the kami's name she had been doing with her life.

Why had she loved... and still harboured some kind of feelings for, such an immature and selfish person as Inuyasha? Not to mention, she had found out from the start he loved another... and she had gotten to know him as the years went by... And still she had never truly given up hope that one day he would choose her over the clay miko. She had never stopped hoping that one day Inuyasha would grow up and everything would change.

One day... yes... but that day felt far away.

For kami's sake, how naïve was she to think like this?

Internally laughing mockingly at herself, Kagome forced down a fit of coughs.

She'd even be better off with the human-hating and stoic youkai brother of his, wouldn't she? At least lord Sesshoumaru was a man, err, youkai of honour and loyal to the core towards his subjects. At least she knew exactly where she had that inu lord, and knew that even if he never expressed any emotions, he showed definite signs of caring... and he would never abandon Rin on her birthday, meaning he understood the importance of human events such as birthdays or the like.

That was more than could be said for Inuyasha. He had of course fought to keep them safe on numerous occasions.. and saved her quite a few times as well, but he was not doing so out of undying loyalty. He had protected her yes, but it had always been whenever it had to do with the Shikon shards, hadn't it?

Kagome knew he had done many selfless things throughout the years... but that list was not long, and it did not outweigh the way he had many times forsaken his friends or acted in a way that caused them more harm than good.

Being so used to Inuyasha's ways, Kagome wondered what the western lord had to gain by taking so well care of Rin, a human and a child at that. Was the huge inu lord doing so selflessly?

Kagome stopped her trail of thought at that, feeling confused all of a sudden.

Since when had she begun to compare the two brothers or even thought about the western lord half as much?

"_Must be because I'm ill. Fever makes everyone weird" _she deducted, unable to stop the onslaught of coughs that brought her mind back to the now.

Her lungs felt like they were on fire.

"_Definitely because I'm ill"_

Closing her eyes completely, Kagome tuned out the background voices who were still quarreling in the small hut.

"_I've begun to realize I've been very naïve for having unconditionally loved Inuyasha all this time and always put up with all of... this. I thought that now that Kikyo's dead and buried, he would let her memory be lain to rest and move on. But ... Maybe it's not his, but MY time to move on.."_


	5. Chapter 5

**Solace**

**Chapter 5**

It took two awful weeks of coughing up a lung, as Kagome thought of it, to fully get her health back.

During those weeks all of her friends, even Sango who was largely pregnant and barely able to move, would come to visit. Shippou stayed some nights, curled up next to her, a soothing ball of warmth and love she was most thankful for. Training hard to become stronger in his kitsune abilities, the growing kitsune youkai would sometimes lull her to sleep with his excited talk about new tricks he had learned or was getting better at.

Every day was almost the same. Kagome would smile during the days and tell her friends she felt all right and was doing better.

Inuyasha turned up a few times, most of the times causing an awkward silence by asking awkward questions. She knew he was trying in his own way, though most of the time, he stayed away. Told her he was guarding the village... But Kagome knew that was only part of the truth.

Although as the days went by, that knowledge that had always felt so heavy before, had begun to hurt less.

Maybe she was letting go?

"_Or maybe I'm just too distracted by being ill and trying to keep up appearances" _Kagome thought to herself more than once.

Kaede kept a vigil watch over her, brewing that bad tasting concoction every night. Her friends visited her during the days, even Rin would pop in every now and then with "take-care-flowers" as the young girl called them. Kagome was happy to see the girl steadily growing up and blossoming like the flowers she spoke of due to Sesshoumaru's ever vigil care.

The summer had been good to them, but as the autumn had come, food had begun to become scarce. But the inu lord never failed to surprise her as this year he was literally showering the small girl with gifts of food instead of just clothing. He had even brought fur and skins to the village so that Kaede and the other could sew proper winter attires.

Kagome knew it was necessary, and once more wondered why Inuyasha wasn't out there in the woods as well, hunting for the village like his full youkai brother did. She knew that her days had been spent gathering herbs, food or doing miko training. Just like everyone else, even pregnant Sango included had always been busy contributing to the village's well fare. Even tiny Rin helped in her own way. But Inuyasha never turned up with anything more than a sour mood or awkward questions.

How come Inuyasha managed to seem so busy, but contribute so little? It was mind boggling to Kagome.

Coming back to the now to a happy chattering kitsune and Rin speaking rapidly about the day's activities, she stifled a huge yawn. The pneumonia had let her out of it's clutches, but she was still very tired, and sore in her lungs.

"_I am never going to be careless again"_ Kagome thought as she hugged the girl good night and lay down to sleep.

She was thankful for the old miko tending to her every need during the weeks of coughing and generally surviving on almost no food besides soup and the foul medicine. There was not a day gone by that Kagome wasn't thankful for the old miko's help.

Maybe she would get used to village life.. one day.

However, no matter how many times Kagome thought about Inuyasha and letting go, it never really... happened.

She felt like she had reached a milestone where she was determined to move on, but stood on the edge of a cliff, too determined to go back but too afraid to take the leap.

Like everything else when it came to love, family matters and the past.. Things were complicated.

Kagome was afraid that if she truly left the old Kagome behind... then there would be nothing left of her. She would become a blank page without a beginning or and end. Afraid there would be nothing that proved she had a family, and a place where she had been born and had always belonged. A place where she had cried, laughed, anguished and... found a safe haven for her pains.

In a sense, letting go of her feelings for Inuyasha and truly moving on, meant indirectly having to accept everything as it was. That meant accepting that the well was forever closed and village life that came with everything else, was her new reality.

Perhaps she was being stubborn and childish to secretly wish it would someday open up... but as the saying goes, hope is the last thing that leaves the human mind.

The bone eater's well was so deeply connected to everything related to her past and present. It was with the well she had arrived in the sengoku era. It was from hauling herself up from it that she had begun her new life. It was by said well Inuyasha had many times pulled her up, held her hand and looked at her as she left. It was by that well that she had travelled back and forth in time.

Yes, it held so many memories, both good and bad... and all of them together created Kagome's past. Despite being a grown woman by japanese standards, Kagome felt like she would always remain that fifteen year old girl who climbed up from the well, too unaware of all the heartbreak and pain she would meet... If she simply accepted everything as it was and moved on, wouldn't her sacrifice and pain be all for nothing?

There were times when she had too much time to think. Those times she truly missed her family and modern era life. No matter how much she loved her friends and the village, her home.. would always be five hundred years in the future.

There were many nights she lay awake and missed Souta... her mother... her grandfather... Buyo... all the sad times and happy times spent with her family... Even her old, boorish school she would miss sometimes. Being in school was having a purpose...

When the jewel disappeared... so did her purpose.

Not that she hadn't expected the well to close. Kagome had known that by making the unselfish wish upon the Shikon no Tama, it would disappear and with it, the power to travel in time. And yet, she had made the wish, despite knowing the outcome. Maybe said wish had sprung from her sense of guilt from having started the whole thing in the first place and the fact that it was her job to protect all the innocent lives of the sengoku jidai, but she had not hesitated.

What she didn't realise, was that her heart had not been ready for the outcome even if her mind had been set. Kagome had thought she had been ready to face whatever consequences the wish might have because her wish had been the right one to make... but when she arrived at the bone eater's well and jumped down and nothing happened... Kagome found she had not been so ready after all. The climb back up had been the hardest thing she had ever done. Mainly because she knew that she that when she reached the top, that was it. Kagome would never jump down or climb up ever again.

Her family, her past, her life in the modern era... had been forever lost to her. And what ached in her heart was that she had not gotten a chance to say goodbye. What would her family think?

In the beginning Kagome had cried a lot and found herself crying on Sango's or Kaede's shoulders, clinging onto them as if her life depended on it. Even Inuyasha had been silent and unusually respectful during those times. He had even offered his silent company a few times when she had stood by the Goshinboku in silent prayer.

Not that she would want to leave her friends for ever behind and get stuck in the modern era instead, but... Kagome was in the end, not a citizen of this age. She was a miko with purification powers, yes... but she had no real connection to the era besides her powers and her friends.

Kagome was a girl without roots in the sengoku jidai. A blank page.

How can a book be written, if it has no beginning?

But if she let go of old Kagome and allowed herself to become a blank page, then everything would be so... finite.

Not that she didn't think of her friends as a sort of family but.. when Sango became pregnant and she and the monk moved further away, Inuyasha started to become distant and Shippou attended kitsune school.. Kagome slowly realised she was being left behind.

Her friends moved on and created their own places to belong, but she was stuck at the crossroads because she was not whole.

Shippou was as close to her as a son would be, but even he had begun to grow up and the more youkai he became, the more alone Kagome felt.

And as usual, Inuyasha was some place else when there were times she really needed him.

No, to truly fit in, to truly start becoming rooted in the sengoku jidai.. she would have to move on and become a clean slate. She would have to give up on the modern era Kagome whose book had already been written... and ended.

_But letting go and moving on... is always easier said than done._


End file.
